Liking It Cold

I like it cold in my basement. As cold as it can be. Right now, there are ten air conditioners down there, all running twenty-four seven. It might seem excessive, but I assure you, it is totally necessary. Without such extreme measures, my blood would boil in the warmth. That’s why I have to keep my crypt as cold as physically possible. It does make things a bit weird when I need aircon repairs. Melbourne citizens aren’t quite used to the presence of undead yet. We’ve been around for centuries. In fact, we sailed over with the First Settlers, but nobody seemed to notice us.

When the repairman comes around, he likes to ask a lot of questions. Questions like, “Why do you have so many air conditioners?”, “Why does it look like a medieval dungeon down here?” and “Why are you putting a towel on the floor right beneath me?” He looks tasty, but I can never convince myself to do it. He’s a nice guy, just going about his job of cooling Melbourne. He hasn’t reported me to the police, which means it’s easier to keep him alive than get another repairman and go through the whole thing again.

I like to watch a lot of vampire movies, to see what humanity thinks of us. My favourite is ‘Almost Dusk’, which is surprisingly accurate, despite all of the hate it gets. Contrary to popular belief, I am perfectly able to walk through sunlight. I do tend to get burnt pretty badly though, with my poor pale European skin. I did enjoy ‘Where We Are in the Darkness’, despite the horrible inaccuracies. I wish I could hypnotise people. And werewolves? How absurd! The mere concept of them makes me laugh at the imagination of regular people.

But I am starting to think it’s time to invest in more air conditioners. Ten just isn’t cutting it anymore. I’m thinking twenty will be enough. Really make this crypt feel like a freezer rather than a refrigerator. Then it will feel just like home.