Real Plumbers

There’s a fake plumber going around. He’s pretty easy to spot, so hopefully putting the word out there will help people. The biggest giveaway is that he’s got an obvious fake moustache. When he got to my door, he was wearing blue suspenders and a red cap, but he could easily have changed it.

The fake plumber knocked and waited patiently for me to open the door. And I mean really patiently. I tend not to open my door for strangers and I could see him out the front window, so we sort of just stood there for a few minutes before I finally relented. Once the door was open, he flexed his big, fuzzy orange arms and said, “Good morning, mam. What can I do for you today?”

“I don’t know, what can you do for me today? You’re the one that knocked on my door.”

The big orange man looked down at me and said, “Oh, yeah that’s right. I’m here to do mandatory drain inspections. Melbourne has got a big problem and it’s my job to fix it.” He scratched his long, pointed nose and waited for my response.

“You’re a licensed plumber, right? Can you prove it to me? Have you got any ID or something? A website, at least?”

The fake plumber just shook his head. “Uh, no, but I’m sure you’ve heard of me. My name is Mario Mario. I’m a fake plumber, and you should never hire me, even if you need urgent boundary trap replacement near Melbourne.”

Mario Mario didn’t say anything else from there. He just turned around and ran away, spinning and smashing crates along the street as he went. I watched him for a minute or so and saw him jumping on boxes and even putting a weird tiki mask on. Then he jumped into a go-kart and drove away! What a weirdo! So if you see this guy, like he said, don’t hire him. I think he might have some serious mental problems. Stay away.