Summoning Design Experts

When I was told about the next challenge on Next Top Office, I thought they were joking. You want me, Archerak the Terrible, to design a kitchen where food will be eaten? Are you serious? I haven’t tasted food in thousands of years, ever since I gave up my mortality to join the undead. I wouldn’t have the slightest idea of how to design a kitchen. And then I found out that I’m one of only two contestants who have to do this challenge. Why do the Dirge and the Glass Smashing Bandit get to design bathrooms instead? I know all about bathroom design!

Naturally, I took my issue up with the producers, but they wouldn’t hear a word of it. I even tried turning one of them into a goat, but I could tell by his bleat that it didn’t change his mind. Now, I could have disintegrated them to make a point, but I was feeling pretty tired so I just accepted that I would be undertaking a challenge to create some kitchen renovations for Melbourne homes. It shouldn’t be hard to beat Ms Frankie, especially after she over-performed on the previous challenge. This time I won’t be drinking coffee in Italy and leaving a zombie to do the job for me.

I have a master plan for this challenge, one that will surely see me take first place. What I’m going to do is summon several professional kitchen designers to teach me how to build a kitchen. I’m sure their apprenticeships usually take time, but thankfully I have my stop time spell prepared today. If it takes years to learn expert kitchen design, I’ll have all the time in the world to do so. Of course, the designers won’t have a say in it. If they refuse me, I’ll just liquify them as I did to Space Wizard.

I, Archerak, am ready to dominate this competition. Everybody will know my name and I will make people tremble in fear through the awesomeness of my office and kitchen design. Get ready, Australia, because your new overlord has arrived!